hello ..i just wanted to share some of these jokes... after you read,please leave a comment...


Dress Code

The bad and ugly king had a beautiful girl as a captive.
Though her beauty shone like a thousand moons (and her moon wasn't so bad either), the dress she was forced to wear was very unbecoming.

She waited day and night, looking out with hope out the dungeon window, searching for the knight who would free her.
However, every knight was scared away by her dress, which, as I've said before, was very ugly.

She was crying in hopelessness when the evil king jeered, .... "See, I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!!!"


Who's Stupid?

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"



$ 100

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."



Sliding Down

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."



Bragging

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Chicagoan on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Chicagoan remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."



High Five

One lazy afternoon the phone rang, and I picked it up. It was my buddy Don, who is a racetrack fanatic.

"You won't believe what just happened to me!" he said.

Without a pause, he continued, "I had this crazy dream last night about the number 5. There were 5 horses in a field, and they were prancing around the number five!"

This sounded a little wacky, but he said it so enthusiastically that I thought this could be a good story, so I said, Ok, then what?

He said, "Then, I woke up thinking about horses and the number 5. As I was about to eat breakfast, I picked up my race schedule and found that the fifth race today was to start at 5:05 and the #5 horse in that race was named High Five!"

I was thinking, "What a coincidence," but Don didn't give me a chance to say anything.

"Then", he said, "I counted the money that I happened to have in my wallet. I had exactly 555 dollars: 5 one hundred dollar bills, 5 tens, and 5 ones." Don was getting really excited as he told me this on the phone.

He went on, "So I drove to the track, and parked in the fifth spot in the fifth row. I entered gate #5. I bet my $555 on High Five. I made sure to sit in Section 5, row 5, seat 5...."

By this time I couldn't stand the suspense anymore, so I interupted him, "So Don, did your horse win?"

"No, he came in 5th!"



Let Me Ask You A Question

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, "Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many
blackbirds are left?"

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!" The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?" The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence." The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"

The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"

The teacher ponders the question ncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."

To which the little boy replies, "Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"



The Privelege Of Naming The Children

The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.

One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children.

"Well, my son," the chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see.

"For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising."

"And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over."

"So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?"


What Comes After Ten

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six?" "Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?"

"A Jack."


Two Boys

Two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, "Hey Tim, what're you in for?"

"I'm getting my tonsils out - I'm a little worried," said Tim.

"Oh don't worry about it. I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and jello I wanted for two weeks!"

"Oh yeah?" replied Tim. "That's not half-bad. Hey, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?"

"I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is!" Sammy answered.

"Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!"


Twenty Dollars

"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"

"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' "

Hiking Money

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a new 21 speed mountain bike.

"Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300," he asked.

"Easy, Dad," little Johnny replied. "I earned it hiking."

"Come on Johnny," the father said. "Tell me the truth."

"That is the truth!" Johnny replied.

"Every night you were gone, Mom's boss, Mr. Reynolds, would come over to see Mom. He'd give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!"



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