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Forum Index Board - Category: Forwarded Thingies
Its J0ke tym!!! (Part 2)
posted by (Jan 10, 2006 @ 4:43AM) views: 2946
PRESIDENT

Americans are complaining they still have no President.

Filipinos are complaining " WE STILL HAVE A PRESIDENT"

------ibigay na lang kaya natin si ERAP sa mga Americano.


WHITE CHRISTMAS

Its going to be a White Christmas this year for us.

Translation:

"MAMUMUTI ANG MGA MATA NYO PERO HINDI MAG RE-RESIGN SI ERAP".


PRAYERS

ERAP PRAYER: GAMBLING FATHER, WHO IS IN JUETENG, HAKOT BE THY NAME, THY
KICKBACK COME, THY WEALTH BE DONE, IN WACK WACK AS IN SAN JUAN. AMEN.

Si ERAP nagsimba.- nasa "sign of peace" na. Sabi ng katabi niya - "
IMPEACH BE WITH YOU"

LORD, Help our President overcome all of the accusations of Gov.Singson.
"LET HIM REST IN PEACE +++++++.


HAIL

Oficial band music for the President of the U S - HAIL TO THE CHIEF

Official band music for ERAP - HAIL TO THE THIEF!


SACRIFICE

ERAP AND CORY were hanging on a rope from a chopper
which could hold only one. CORY said she will let go
and gave a speech about women always making sacrifice.
ERAP CLAPPED! ! !

QUIZ

Question: If people call ERAP "BUWAYA" what would you call Sonny Osmena?
ANS: An ali"GAY"tor.

LIBRARY

ERAP walked to the Librarian and said: This is the most boring book I
have ever read, It has no plot yet so many characters.
LIBRARIAN: So it was you who took our PHONE BOOK! !


DEMOCRACY

Erap's definition of democracy:
Government off the people, poor the people, and buy the people.

BRO. MIKE

Similarities between Erap and Bro. Mike:
1. Both love the poor.
2. Both collect money from the poor.
3. Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor.

SACRIFICE

Erap and Cory were hanging on a rope from a chopper which could hold only
one. Cory said she will let go and gave speech about women always making
sacrifice. Erap clapped.


ERAP'S MI ULTIMO

Erap's Mi Ultimo Adios
El parte de jueteng wala na
Mi compadres lords nabuking na
El mansions mi queridas envistiga
Mi amigos de la Camara el ultimo pag-asa.


NASA PISO

Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap?
A: Sa tokens sa casino.


AN ERAP X'MAS CAROL

Caroling time:
He sees you when you are gambling,
He knows when you are drunk,
He knows if you've been in bed with girls,
So RESIGN for progress' sake.


NEW ERAP COMMERCIAL

Introducing Mr.unCLEAN, ang Presidenteng sanhi

ng dumi't mantsa. Nabibili sa suking juetengan.

Mula sa P&G-Prosper when you Gamble.


PRESIDENTIAL UPDATE

Bush-240 electoral votes, Gore-249 electoral votes.
Erap, pakisaksak naman sa 220 electrical volts.

BANANA REPUBLIC

Q: Why is the Philippines called a banana republic?
A: Because it has a sagging economy and a monkey for a president.

IQ CHECK

Q: Why can't Erap resign?
A: Because that would be one intelligent thing to do.

NEWSFLASH

Watch ABS-CBN News for the flash report regarding Erap! He
just stepped down . . . . . . . . . . . .
from his jeep!


SECRET

A man entered Malacanyang Palace and shouted: "Tanga si Erap 3X. He was
convicted and was sentenced for 2 months in jail for oral defamation and 20
years for revealing a government secret.

GOOD AND BAD

Good news: Pumayag na si Erap na magresign dahil sa people power.
Bad news: Ayaw daw niya sa Hawaii magpaexile. Gusto niya sa Las Vegas.


LORD'S PRAYER

Erap and Jueteng Lord's Prayer:
Gambling father who art in jueteng
Hakot be thy name; Thy kickback come, thy wealth be done in
Wack Wack as it is in San Juan.

JUDAS

Nagkita si Erap at si Judas sa hell.
Judas: Bakit lakad mo pare, tagilid?
Erap: Putris na Singson yun! Kung magdala ng pera, isang bag
na panay papel at iyong isa puro barya!

USAPANG WET

Tawag sa basang pintura - wet paint
Hitsurang basa - wet look
Nabasang underwear while sleeping - wet dreams
Presidente na basa na ang papel - Wet Teng Lord

Q AND A

Q: Why does Tessie A. Oreta love to accept bribes?
A: Because she loves her brother Ninoy so much, she enjoys
looking at those P500 bills.

13

Joseph Estrada's name contains 13 letters.
He is the 13th President, has 13 kids and with an IQ of 13.
Erap's impeachment was proposed on October 13.
Articles of Impeachment were sent to the Senate on November 13
and Erap will resign on December 13.

ED'S NOTE: Not true, he's stil there.

LEGACY

Erap's legacy to the Filipino people . . . .

May mga members ng El Shaddai ang galit na galit na kay Erap
kaya nagtayo sila ng bagong grupo laban kay Erap.Tinawag nila itong
. . . . . ERAP SHALDIE.

PLEA

Erap’s Ma: Maawa naman kayo kay Erap. Masyado naman siyang kawawa.

Cory Aquino: Bakit naman?

Erap’s Ma: Kasi nuong nag-aaral pa siya, hindi siya nakatapos.
Ngayong Presidente na siya, hindi pa rin yata makakatapos.


HAPPY

Reporter: Mr. President, how do you keep all your women happy?

Erap: Pa sing sing lang yan. Konting romansing and a lot of housing.


ATONG ANG

Heard that Erap, Chavit and Atong Ang are coming up with a movie. "My Best
Friend's Jueteng."

PILOT

PAL pilot before landing: Mr. President, we have begun our descent to NAIA.
Please fasten your zipper and return Weng to her upright position.

ANG TAWAG

Q: Kung ang tawag kay Marcos ay diktador, ano ang kay Erap?
A: Eh di kubrador.


CHRISTMAS CAROL

Christmas carol for Erap, sung to the tune of ‘‘You Better Watch Out.’’

‘‘He sees you when you are gambling,

He knows when you are drunk,

He knows if you’ve been in bed with girls,

So RESIGN for progress’ sake.’’


Meanings of ERAP:

Erap Resign Para Angat ang Pinoy

Erap Resign Awa ka sa Pilipinas

Erap Resign Ala ng kaming Pasensiya

Erap Resign Ayaw namin ng Palpak


First Metro Manila Impeachment Film Festival

1. "SUGATANG PUSO"

Kuwento ng isang pangulong sugatan ang puso dahil ipinagkanulo ng kanyang
matatalik na kaibigan.
Kuwento rin ng isang Unang Ginang na may sugatang puso dahil makailang ulit
na pinagtaksilan ng babaerong asawa.
STARRING: Joseph Estrada, Luis Chavit Singson at Loi Ejercito.

2. "TANGING YAMAN" (subtitle: 'TANGINA, ANG YAMAN!)

Kuwento ng isang presidenteng gumamit ng alias upang maitago ang kanyang
1.2 billion pesos na ilegal na yaman sa isang bangko. Sa isang
kapana-panabik na eksena sa pelikula, buong tapang na tinanong ng private
prosecutor ang Presidente: "Mr. President, itong 1.2 billion pesos lang ba
ang inyong... tanging yaman?" "Oo," sagot ng Presidente. "Tangina, ang
yaman!" sigaw ng prosecutor.
STARRING: Jose Velarde (aka Joseph Estrada) and Mario "I haven't slept for
the past 24 hours, Your Honor" Bautista (as the private prosecutor)

3. "SPIRIT WARRIORS"

Kuwento ng isang matapang na grupo ng mga kababaihan--2 bank managers,
first VP ng isang bangko, isang accountant, isang sekretarya, at isang
senior VP ng bangko (ang "surprise member" ng grupo)--na kumalaban sa isang
malignong "mahilig"--mahilig mambabae, mahilig uminom, mahilig sa mansyon,
mahilig makipagkaibigan sa iba pang maligno, mahilig mangolekta ng tong
mula sa jueteng, at mahilig magdeposit ng ilegal na yaman sa bangko gamit
ang isang alias.
STARRING: Emma "Iniinom po ang iced tea, hindi kinakain, your Honor!" Lim,
Menchu "Magkaibigan po kami ni Yolanda Ricarforte, your honor!" Itchon,
Annie "Memorized ko ang account numbers, your honor!" Ngo, Edelquin
"Ricaforte's our biggest depositor, your honor!" Dantes, Shakira "I' m
still single, Your Honor!" Yu, Clarissa "I was one foot away from the
President, your honor." Ocampo, and Joseph "Hindi ako 'yun!" Estrada as the
"Malignong Mahilig" aka "Bad Spirit".

4. PING LACSON: COMFORT GAY (to be released internationally as "CODENAME:
MARKOVA")

True to life story ng isang pulis na matinik sa wiretapping. Para
makapag-espiya at makaganti sa kanyang mga kalaban, pumayag siyang maging
comfort gay.

STARRING: You know..


In the heyday of his popularity.
Erap was asked whether he felt great affinity with America’s embattled Clinton.

"Why?" Erap was said to have inquired.

"Because both of you have sex problems," the inquisitive reporter persisted.

"I don’t know about Mr. Clinton," Estrada was reported to have replied.
"I’ve got the sex, but he’s got the problem."


5. SUGATANG YAMAN

Part 2 ng "Tanging Yaman". Tungkol sa mga mansyon ng mga kerida at iba
pang yaman ng Presidente na pinagdududahan ng buong bayan.

STARRING: Joseph Estrada and a cast of thousand keridas. Special
Participation: Imelda "may blood clot sa utak" Marcos bilang patron saint
ng mga taong may tangi-nang yaman (na ilegal).

7. DEATHROW

Kuwento ng isang presidenteng inimpeach at bumagsak sa deathrow. Sa isang
madamdaming tagpo, sinigawan ng presidente ang Diyos: "Lord, hindi ko po
ginawa ang mga ibinibintang nila sa akin! Inosente po ako! Tamaan sana ako
ng kidlat, kung nagsisinungaling ako!" Pagkasabi niya nito, hinataw siya
ng Diyos ng kidlat. Ayun, tigbak siya agad. Happy ending para sa lahat!

STARRING: Alam n'yo na 'yon!

6. SUGATANG YAMAN (Triple-X version)

Ang kaisa-isang Triple-X-rated movie sa pestebal. Tungkol sa isang Unang
Ginang na nabaliw dahil sa pagtataksil ng asawang presidente. Para
makipaghiganti, pinutol ng Unang Ginang ang ari ng Presidente, tinadtad
ito, ginawang bopis at kilawin, at ipinakain sa mga kerida ng Pangulo.
Tigbak ang Pangulo dahil naubusan ng dugo at ang mga kerida dahil na-food
poisoning. Maaacquit
ang Unang Ginang dahil nag-plead ng temporary insanity. Ang ending ng
pelikula ay tatatak sa alaala ng mga manonood: may extreme close-up ng
Unang Ginang. Tapos, sabay bitaw siya ng dialogue na: "Nasa akin pa rin ang
huling halakhak! Hahahahahahahaha!" Ang temporary insanity ay naging
permanente na...

STARRING: Dra. Loi "Ako? Martir?" Ejercito, at ang "Apat na Sikat" (aka
"Las Kulakadidangs")--Guia Gomez, Laarni Enriquez, Rowena Lopez, at Joy
Melendres (in no particular order). Siyempre, mawawala ba ang kanilang
leading man, na itago na lang natin sa pangalang "Asiong Salonga".

TANGKILIKIN ANG PELIKULANG PILIPINO!
MANOOD NG METRO MANILA IMPEACHMENT FILM FESTIVAL!
LABAS NGAYONG PASKO HANGGANG... KELAN PA?!


LOTTO

"If you win the lotto, what would you do with the money?" Erap was asked.

"I will use it to buy Malacañang Palace," he answered.

"Bakit, sir?"

"Para hindi nila ako mapaalis doon."


TULA NG MASA

Sabi ng iba Erap is the guy.
Pero dito sa amin, hindi yata bagay.
Dapat sa presidente, medyo intelihente.
Para hindi sunud-sunuran sa mga tutang katabi.

Itong si Erap, hindi na natuto.
Kaliwa't kanan puro panluloko.
Ibinalik si Imelda at nilakad na walang kaso.
Para nga naman makuha ang kanyang sosyo.

Ang kanyang mga barkada, sina Mario at Lucio,
Mga angkan ni Imelda, pati na si Eduardo.
Ang kanang kamay na si dambuhalang Ronaldo,
Si Lucio Tan, Dante Tan, pati si Manero.

Wala pang dalawang taon ay heto na sila.
Mga diyaryong kritiko pilit pinasasara.
Manila Times, Inquirer at sinong susunod pa,
Para bukas makalawa ay wala ng kokontra.

Sabi ni Erap, walang kamag-anak, walang kaibigan...
Kayong mga loko hwag akong subukan,
Ako ang presidente na di nagkakamali
Lahat ng gusto ko, sinusunod parang hari.

Unang order nya, ilibing si Makoy..
Katabi ng mga bayaning gustong tumaghoy.
Nag-alsa ang mga barokan at tribung pinoy...
Umatras ang hari at mga alaga nyang baboy.

Si Erap namigay ng mga mamahaling sasakyan
Sa mga kamag-anak, kabinete at kaibigan.
Sa halip na gumawa ng mas mabuting paraan,
Upang ang makinabang, ang mga mamayan.

Pangalawang order nya, baguhin daw ang konstitusyon..
At ang dagdag pa nya laos na raw yon.
Dapat daw ay gawing pang-globalisasyon..
Nang ang mga dummy ni Imelda ariin ang buong nasyon.

Habang ang tribung pinoy ay nag-kakagulo
Mga tuta ni Erap ay wiling-wili dito.
Saan ka nga naman nakakita ng ganito,
Presidenteng lasingero, babaero, at uto-uto.

Habang si Erap ay kanilang ginogoyo,
Kabi-kabilang raket ng mga tarantado!
Ni-rig ang kontrata ng fire trucks, posas at libro,
Pati ang stock market muntik ng mag-sarado.

Erap, hindi lahat ng Pilipino ay hangal at gago.
Kami sumusubaybay at naghihintay sa 'yo.
Ngayon kung ang iyong direksyon ang hindi mo mabago,
Kami ay uling lalabas upang ipa-alala sa iyo.

Erap, sa pagsisinungaling walang tatalo sa 'yo.
Pati si Kapitan Kidlat binabanggit mo,
Sa uulitin pag ngalan ko'y binanggit mo
Sa pagitan ng yong dalawang hita ako'y tatama sa yo!

.....KapitanKidlat


GOOD AND BAD

Good news: With the appointment of Edgardo Angara as executive
secretary, Joseph Estrada will next step down as President.

Bad news: He will be replaced by Jose Velarde.


Noong bata pa si erap... ang palayaw niya ay TA NG...

Isang araw, hinahanap si TA NG ng ina niya...

Ina: TA NG, nasaan ka na?
Kaibigan ni TA NG: Hoy TA NG ina mo hinahanap ka...
Erap: Bakit mo ako minumura, ga go ka ha...

at nag away ang dalawang magkaibigan...

THE END...


ISANG PLATITONG MANI

Dumalaw si erap sa bahay ng isang mahirap at matandang lola.
Erap: Oh masarap ba ang tsokolateng binigay ko sa inyo.
Matanda: Opo. Salamat po.
Nakita ni erap ang isang platitong mani sa lamesa at kinain agad
habang nakaharap sa kamera para ipakitang kinakain nya ang pagkain ng mahirap.
Erap: Naku naubos ko ang mani, pasensya na ho kayo lola
Lola: Naku, okay lang ho prisidinti, nasipsip ka naman na yung tsokolate dyan.
Erap: Aba, okay naman pala eh.

Similarities between Erap and Brother Mike:

1. Both love the poor.
2. Both collect money from the poor.
3. Both are now billionaires courtesy of the poor


ATONG'S RELATIVE

Erap to the press: I just learned that Atong Ang
has a relative in the Senate.

Press: Really? Who is it?

Erap: Her first name in Chinese is ‘‘Bu.’’


PLEA FOR ERAP

pls lang patawarin nyo na si erap tulad na pagpapatawad
ninyo ke prisidinti marcos at kanyang family.
Magtulungan tayong itayo ang negosyo ni erap para sa mahirap.
Dahil marami ang umaasa sa lintik na huweteng na yan.
Pls lang okay. Sige, kakantahan
ko kayo...dahil sa yo...


ERAP'S PRAYER

Gambling father
who art in jueteng
hakot be thy name
thy kickback come
thy wealth be done,
in Wack-Wack as it is in San Juan.

Give me this day
My daily bribe
And conceal all my trespasses
As you
And if I am led into temptation
Deliver me from conviction

For mine is the country,
its power, and its money
forever and ever

ahem.

Response:

Aba Ginoong Estrada
Napupuno ka ng kwarta
Ang panginoon ng jueteng ay sumasaiyo
Bukod kang pinagpala sa lahat ng bobo
At pinagpala ka naman ng kay raming kulasisi mo.


Erap's Mi ultimo Adios

Mi parte de jueteng wala na.
Mis compadres y lords nabuking na.
Los mansiones de mis queridas ini-imbistiga
Mis amigos de la Camara el ultimo pagasa.

HULING PAALAM

Ni Joseph "Jose Velarde" Estrada
(Pasintabi kay Dr. Jose Rizal)

Adios bayang aking pinagnakawan,
Paalam bayang binusabos ng aking mga kaibigan.
Mutyang dinusta't hinalay ni Atong Ang.
Aalis akong batbat ng puna't kahihiyang
Isinabit ni Chavit, alang kwentang tsokaran!

Sa malawak na lansangan mula Edsa't Mendiola,
Sambayanang galit ay nag-aalsa na,
Sumisigaw silang ako'y mag-resign na
At kung magmamaugas ako'y sisipain nila
Sa kangkungan pupuluting tila mabahong basura.

Akoy namamaalam upang dilira ay mapawi,
Sa bayang ito na sobra nang sawi.
Baka sakaling ekonomya'y makabawi
Kapag nawala na mga barkada't kroni,
At mga kalaguyong kagaya ni Laarni.

Simula't sapul akoy may simpleng pangarap
Kuwarta't babae, mga mansion ako'y makakalap
Kaya naman lubos-lubos aking pagsisikap.
Walang inatupag kundi ang pangongotong,
Sa huweteng at two-ball, Abu Sayaff at kuratong.

Kaya nang nahalal na maging pangulo,
Tinipon ang barkada, kakosa't kalaguyo
Tuwing hatinggabi sa pag-uuntugang baso
Tampok sa usapan paano mapagkwartahan
Buwis sa tabako, negosyo at pasugalan.

Ngunit lintik ka Chavit, bakit mo ako isinabit-?
Himutok ng dibdib lalong naging masakit
Nang nabistong si Atong pala ay nangupit.
Programa ko sa pabahay tuloy ay nabisto
Di sa mahihirap, kundi sa mga kabit ko.

Pa-impeach-impeach pa kayo, 'nong akala n'yo?
Sa senado kaya kayo ay mananalo?
Sa impeachment trial di kayo nakasisiguro
Gaano man kabigat ng saksi ng prosekyusyon
Alang kwenta lahat pagdating ng resolusyon.

Labing-isang senador nasa aking panig!
Kung gusto'y pangalanan ko pa aking mga kabig:
Si John at Tessie na lisa ang bibig,
Tig-sangmilyong balato, ayos na ang buto-buto
Alang kaduda-duda kung kangino sila boboto.

Naririyan si Miriam, aking pambato,
Hindi umuurong kahit na kangino, '
Huwag lang sindakin ng biglaang demo.
Si Manong Johnny Enrile at bataang Honasan
Mga kakamping lagi kong maaasahan.

Si Niki Coseteng na umalis kunwari,
Tulad ni Tatad na sa partido koy bumatsi
Ngunit yan ay bahagi lamang ng panlalansi
Sina Kit at Niki tiyak sa akin papanig
Sa katotohanan ay hindi sila makikinig.

Kay Tito Soto ay tiyak-tiyak na ako,
Kay Ka Blas ay hindi rin ako kabado,
Kay Ramon Revilla, itaga n'yo na sa bato.
Si Jawo ang dapat na bantayan ng kalaban.
Kapag nag-three point shot, tapos na ang laban.

Yang impeachment ay para ring sugalan,
Numero lamang ang pinaglalabanan.
At sa numero't sugal kami ay namber wan,
Tiyak na tiyak ako sa aking labing-isa,
Kahit na anupamang gawing balasa.

Ngunit ang aking lubos na ikinakaba
Ay ang lansangang dumadamba.
Protesta ng sambayanan patuloy na rumaragasa
Sigaw ng mamamayan dapat ay mag-resign na,
Patatalsikin kapag di kusang bumaba.

Nasaan na kayo mga dati kong kasangga?
Ano't iniwan akong nagdurusa?
Atong Ang, nasaan ka hayop ka?
Pareng FPJ, parang awa mo na,
Saklolo Danding, Tan, Maceda, Imelda at iba pa.

Kaya bago abutan ng bayang nagngangalit
Baka sakaling pupuwede pang makapuslit.
Paalam masang aking pinagtaksilan,
Paalam sa bayang pinangakuan ko ng kasaganaan,
Bakit kasi kayo naniwala sa aking islogan?

Paalam na rin sa iyo Loi, aking namber wan
Alam ko namang tiyak na ako'y iyong iiwan.
Jinggoy, Jude, JV, mga anak sa loob at labas,
magpaalam na rin kayo.
mga kroni, kakosa, kainuman, kasugalan, kalaguyo
Pare-pareho na tayong pupulutin sa kangkungan!


ERAP TIDBITS
Bakit daw malaki ang utang ng na loob ni Miriam Santiago kay Erap?
Kasi, nangako si Erap na tutulungan si Miriam na hanapin sina Crispin at
Basilio.

Umamin na raw si Erap na siya si Jose Velarde... pero hindi naman daw
siya si Joseph Estrada...

Watch for the life story of Erap that will surpass the Metro Manila
Film Festival Hit "Tanging Yaman" at the box office. The film is
entitled "Tanginang Yaman."

FPJ: Erap, mukhang mako-convict ka sa impeachment trial
Erap: Di bale, trial pa lang yan, di pa naman final.


THINGS I LEARN FROM THE IMPEACHMENT

MEANING OF IMPEACHMENT

I - impeach
M - my
P - pareng
E - erap
A - and
C - company
H - hudlom
M - magnanakaw
E - everything
N - no
T - thing

LEGAL TERMS

1. DUCES TECUM - Documentary Evidence
2. AD TESTIFICANDUM - Witness as summoned
3. FACTUM PROBANDUM - Proven Fact
4. IMFACTA SANITARIUM - Miriam Santiago

PUZZLE

sabi ni erap kay loi, honey tignan mo yung puzzle na binuo ko ang ganda
ano? sabi naman ni loi ang bagal mo namang binuo yan, umabot ka nang 6
months. mabilis na nga yun eh,tignan mo itong kahon nakasulat 3 to 6
years, oh di ba ,di ang bilis ko.. (3 to 6 years old ang gagamit erap)


M & M

galing ng states si mayor lim at may pasalubong para kay erap m&m peanut.
after 1 week sabi ni mayor masarap ba yung pasalubong ko erap sabi naman
ni erap oo masarap kaso umitim ang kuko ko sa kababalat..


THE EXECUTIVE SECRETARY

Renato de Villa’s days as executive secretary are numbered.

President Macapagal has decided to abolish the position.

‘‘I don’t need a Little President,’’ she said. ‘‘That’s me.’’

SHOWBIZ

Who are today’s top show-biz stars?
Nora Aunor—Superstar
Vilma Santos—Star for All Seasons
Sharon Cuneta—Megastar
Maricel Soriano—Diamond Star
Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo—Twinkle, twinkle little star.


TOO MANY

A joke, delivered by Mr. Estrada at a dinner for the APEC Leaders:

US President Clinton approaches Mr. Estrada during the summit to confide that he
has a problem.

''I brought 50 security people with me and I don't know which of them is an assassin,''
Clinton says.

Overhearing Clinton's dilemma, Chinese President Jiang Zemin joins the conversation.

''I have the same problem,'' Jiang says. ''I have 60 security people with me and
I don't know which of them is a spy.''

Mr. Estrada is unimpressed. ''I think my problem is more serious,'' he says. ''I have
100 economists with me and I don't know which of them is right.''


MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES

This incident happened long before Estrada was thrown out of office.


President Clinton called President Estrada of the Philippines with an emergency:
"Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried.
"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"

"Bill, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within their power to
help you," replied Estrada.

"I do need your help," said Bill. "Could you possibly send 100,000,000 condoms
ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Estrada.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Bill.

"Yes?" said Estrada.

Showing off, Bill said,"Could the condoms be red, white and blue in color and
at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?"

"No problem," replied Estrada, with that, Estrada hung up and called the owner
of Philippine Prophilactic.

"I need a favor, you've got to make 100,000,000 condoms right away and send them
to the White House."

"Consider it done Mr. President," said the owner of Philippine Prophilactics.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red, white and blue in color, 10" long and
4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said Estrada, "on each one, print 'MADE IN THE PHILIPPINES, SIZE- SMALL' ."

ANOTHER GLORIA JOKE

When she first stepped into Malacañang Palace, President Macapagal recalled her
childhood days there when her father, Diosdado Macapagal, was the President.
"I grew up here," she said.

"That’s not true," quipped an old member of the Malacañang household staff.
"She never grew up."


ERAP'S RESIGNATION lETTER

Erap's Resignation Letter (J)

Repablic of The phillipines
Oficce of the President

January 20, 2001

Dear Pilipinos,

I was very very sadenned by the fuct that some people were
pointing accusations to me. As par as i know, my consience is
clear, all of thier accusations are very wrong. I have no direck
involvement on jueteng, i never violating any constitution lawses
and i never corrupted the goverment. All of my wealth came from my
gambling winnings, the boracay mansion was a gift to me by Lucio
Tan, sabi ko babayaran ko na lang pag nag-remit na ang bingo2 ball.Kaso
ayaw naman ni Singson, tanginang Luis yan, sinabit pa ako. Eh may
parte din naman sya eh.

Okay, okay i have many lots of girls around in me, well what can
i do? Loi is not beutyfull isnt right?

It was indeed very alarming for my family because they think
what will happened to them if i was resign. Saan na ako kukuha ng
pang-suporta sa mga anak ko ngayon? Paano na si Jude?hindi pa nga sya
natatapos sa sex transplant nya, pinababawi ko nga ang binigay nyang Starex
van kay Mickey Ferriols para pambile ng mga gamot nya. Lintik na Loi to,
pilit na nagpapaganda mukha pa rin naman tuta.Buti pa si Laarni nasa
Singapore na sya. Samantalang ako hangga ngayon wala pa ring Passport
papuntang Singapore, pang-USA lang kasi yung binigay nila sa akin, wala
kasi akong colored 1x1 na black and white ang background, meron ba nun?
Colored tapos black and white ang background, gods must be crazzy !

Paano na rin si Jinggoy? hindi na sya makakapambabae nyan,
pangit pa naman sya, wala ng papatol sa kanya dahil maaubos na yung
perang binigay sa kanya ni Singson.

Ayaw ko sanang mag-resign dahil sa EDSA people power na yan,
nung 1986 hindi naman ako nag-resign ah. Sabi kasi ni pareng ED Angara,
okay lang na hindi muna ako mag-resign kasi di pa sya sumusweldo sa kin,
wala pa kasi syang 1 month tapos, mawawalan na sya ng trabaho.

Pinabubuksan ko na nga sana yung second envelope, para wala ng
problema kaso huli na daw. Ito kasing si Tessie, wala naman syang alam kung
ano ang laman ng envelope na yun, sumayaw-sayaw pa sya, ganun din ang steps
nya pag nagbo-ballroom kami. Basta ang alam ko ang laman nun, picture ni
John Osmena yun na naka-bikini, nung sumali sya sa Ms. Gay Cebu, tsaka picture
din nina Tessie Oreta at Nikki Coseteng na nakikipag-sex kasama si Jay Manalo
noong shower party ni Jackie.

Ang mga grades ko sa Ateneo, na hiningi ng PCIBank noong nag-open
ako ng account, kaya ang ginamit kong pangalan Jose Velarde na lang, at
syanga pala, kasama din doon yung tinatago kong MENTAL records ni Miriam,
tinatago ko kasi alam ni Cory na sira-ulo si Miriam. Kundi ba naman siya sira-ulo
papanig ba sakin yun.

Pero may pag-asa pa ako...si Ping Lacson, kahit kunwari bumligtad
yun, hindi pa rin sya makakatakas sa akin, subukan lang nya.Ibubulgar ko
yong pinag-hatian naming pera na nakuah nya sa KURATONG-BALELENG.

So I resign as the president of this republic of the
pihillipines.This is for the country. Bahala na kung mabubuhay pa kami.

Paalam sa aking mga kaibigan na naging kaaway:
Singson ! sabay tayong makukulong,
Jaworski ! hindi ka naman marunong mag-basketball talaga, idol pa
naman kita pero sabi ng misis mo hanggang dribol ka lang daw di ka raw marunong
mag-shoot.

Orly Mercado ! bahala ka sa buhay mo ! duwag ka naman e, ayaw mo
ngang magpunta sa Mindanao para kunin yung parte ko sa ransom money!

Afredo Lim! di na kita panonoorin sa KATAPAT, bulol ka naman e,
ibubulgar ko na hindi naman puti ang buhok mo.. kundi balakubak!

Nora Aunor ! tarantadong tyanak ka! kundi ko pa alam. type mo lang
si Mikey Arroyo kaya ka sumali sa EDSA.

Bong Revilla ! totoy gwapo ah..pwe! ang laki naman ng tyan mo!
ibubulgar ko kay Lani Mercado.. may anak ka kay Gretchen Barreto!
At ikaw ang tunay na ama ni ARA MINA.

Paalam...

Kay Josephine.. anak din naman kita.. kaya lang di ko kilala nanay mo.

Kay Cardinal Sin...mabitay ka na sana!

Kay Cory....type mo lang si Raul Roco kasi kamukha sya ni NINOY.

Kay Annabel Rama... ang sarap pala ni Ruffa...lasang hollywood talaga.

PS: pareng ATONG, magkita na lang tayo sa casino ni pareng lucio

erap11: more Impeachment Text Jokes


NEW BANK ACCOUNTS

Two more bank accounts were discovered at Citibank.
Jinggoy's under the name of Jose Velarde Jr and another
owned by Jude under the name of JOSIE Velarde.


INTERVIEW WITH ERAP

Reporter:Ano po ba ang misis at mistress?
Erap:Misis ang maybahay.Mistress ang may mansion.
Reporter:Mr. Erap, accused ka daw for anti-labor?
Erap:Sobra na sila!Ako pa ang anti-labor!? E, mga anak ko pinag-labor ng mga nanay nila!
Reporter:Mr. Erap, sa ngayon what do you want to happen dito sa pilipinas?
Erap:Alam mo, madami yan. Pero the #1 an gusto ko mangyari ay ................................... ...... mapalabas ulit yung Rosalinda.
Reporterumadami ang mga allegations laban sayo, any reactions?
Erap:Walangya! Ipakulong ang mga allegators na yan sa zoo!
Reporter:Any last words before ending the interview?
Erap:Ofcourse! Thanks for the billions... este, billion thanks pala!


ERAP GOT DRUNK

Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who supplied him with a
constant flow of Blue Label. All the gentlemen came in black jackets, white
shirts and black ties and the ladies in black gowns.

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his Blue Label to get
him through the night. Then he saw a lady in a white gown. "Reli, that's the
lady I like," Erap said. "She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will
ask her to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President of the
Republic?" Erap asked.

The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why. Reason No. 1, I don't
know how to dance." "That's a legitimate reason," Erap remarked.

"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your opinion," Erap said.

"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin." Sponsor

PARACHUTE

Nagka-engine trouble ang sinasakyang eroplano nina Erap at FVR kaya binigyan sila
ng tig-isang parachute para makatalon palabas.

Dahil sundalo at sanay si FVR sa ganito, pinauna niyang tumalon si Erap. Tumalon
si Erap at nagbukas agad ang kanyang parachute.

Sumunod si FVR, kaso, sira ang naibigay sa kanya at hindi iyon bumukas kaya bumulusok
siyang pababa.

Nakita ito ni Erap at sumigaw siya:

"Ah karera pala ang gusto mo, ha? Teka!" sabay alis ni Erap ng suot niyang parachute
para maunahan si FVR.


ERAP'S NEW CAREER

ERAP, after his impeachment (because of his meddling into the SEC affairs) decided
to migrate to the USA. He comes to know that cattle farming is big business in US,
so he buys several cows, hoping to breed them for milk, cheese, beef, etc. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the cows are getting pregnant and calls the v
et for help. The vet tells ERAP that he should try artificial insemination.

Knowing ERAP, (he has no idea what this AI means), not wanting to display his ignorance,
only asks the vet how will he know when the cows are pregnant. The vet tells him that
they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when
they are pregnant.

After giving it some thought (for few hours or days), he comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the cows. So, he loads the cows into
his truck, drives them out into the woods and being the STUD he is, has sex with them
all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, ERAP looks out at the cows and seeing that they are all still standing
around, he concludes that the first try didn't take effect, and loads them into the
truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex twice with each cow for good
measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

The following morning, ERAP cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the cows.
He asks LOI to look out and tell him if the cows are laying in the mud.

"No," LOI says, "they are all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn"


WRIST BAND

Why does Erap always where that wrist band of his?

So he can tell the diffrence between his right hand and left hand.

One day Erap was talking to a friend on his cellular about a up coming movie, when
all of a sudden he fell and broke his arm. He went to the hospital and the Dr. ask
how he broke his arm, Erap said he was talking to his frien on his cellular and
tripped on the phone cord.


when Erap attended the last G-7 meeting as a guest,they were discussing

the future of robotics,when ask if it could help the Philippines,

he answered it is a problem because they keep kidnapping people.


Note: Abu Sayaf's leader is Commander Robot.


AKALA MO

naka duty si erap bilang traffic officer sa isang crossing ng ortigas!

habang nagbabantay sya, may isang lalaki na biglang dumapa at lumangoy

patawid ng kalye kaya ng makita ni erap sinigawan nya ito " hoy! bawal

yan " biglang bunot ng batuta ni erap at umupo sabay sagwan ng batuta nya.

"kala mo makakatakas ka ha "

Update Date March 26, 2001
Submitted by Pepe.

GLORIA JOKES

One more proof that Erap is no longer president is that his radio-TV show,
"Jeep ni Erap," is no more.

It will be replaced by a new show, "Stroller ni Gloria."

GMA is wear designer clothes by Osh Kosh, shoes by Barbie.

GMA should appoint Sen. Juan Flavier as vice president because he is the only
one she can see eye-to-eye with.

The reason GMA was late in moving to Malacañang yet is because her high chair is not ready.


FOOT

ERAP WAS SINGING AND DANCING WITH HIS GRANDMOTHER. HE GOES "PUT YOUR RIGHT FOOT IN

PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT OUT" SUDDENLY HIS WIFR CORRECT HIM AND SAID NO DARLING YOUR WRONG.

IT'S FEET NOT FOOT. ERAP: OK THANKS. SO HE SING IT AGAIN AND IT GOES "FOOT YOUR RIGHT

FEET IN FOOT YOU RIGHT FEET OUT????!!!!!


Scenario: Erap in a restaurant

Waitress: Sir, are you done?
Erap: No I'm not Dan, I'm Erap.
Waitress: No, I mean are you finish?
Erap: No, I'm a Filipino.
Waitress: (Naku) No sir, what I mean is are you through?
Erap: Ano ka ba! Syempre totoo ako. Hinde ako peke.



(_!_) Regular Ass

(__!__) Fat Ass

(!) Tight Ass

(_*_) Sore Ass

(_E=mc2_) Smart Ass

(_x_) Cute Ass

(_ERAP_) Dumb Ass



Kinds of Minds:

Aristotle: great mind
Einstien: genius mind
Newton: extraordinary mind
Marcos: brilliant mind
Erap: never mind


ERAP'S DIARY

Saturday, April 28, 2001
Dear Diary,

Looks like I will be having more time writing to you. It's been a terrible week, Diary.

Terrible. It's one indignayshun...indignituin....indig ...they've insulted me.

Fingerprinte like a common criminal! They took my mugshot like I was an ordinary thief!

Well I'm not! I was....I am...I'm...basta President ako.

Good thing my loyal friends are putting up a fight for me. I can hear them chanting all

the way from the EDSA Shrine. "Sunduin si Erap" hehehe. It fattens my heart.

Nakakataba ng puso. It's been three days since they've put me in this cell.

May aircon nga wala naman mahjong table. Wala din TV. How do they expect me to live

this way? The humiliation! Oh the discomfort! Walang bacalau! Walang red wine!

Malakas humilik si Jinggoy di ako makatulog.

I miss Loi. I miss Laarni. et al. (Hoy hindi bagong tsiks yan si Et al ha...

it means "and all the others." Nalaman ko yan nung nabasa ko yung isinampang kaso

sa akin ng Ombudsman.)

Huhuhuhu...mga walang hiyang abogado yan. Kala ko pa naman magagaling. I thought

they were good. Pati bahay gustong ipa aresto. They want a house arrest. Ang

lalabo nila.

Anyway, I shall sleep and rest. Tomorrow is another day.

Ang pag asa ko na lang ay key FPJ para iligtas niya ako.


VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES

Manoling Morato: Kung nakinig lang kayo sa akin noong nakaraang election, di
sana tayo ganito ngayon. Mas pinili pa ninyo kasi ang BOBO kesa sa BAKLA.

Pinoy Additions to the Dictionary:
Imeldific - 3,000 pairs of shoes
Erapic - pinoy mafia
Miriamic - La Vida Loca-loca

Two more bank accounts were discovered at Citibank. Jinggoy's under
the name of Jose Velarde Jr and another one owned by Jude under the name
Josie Velarde.


VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES II

After witnessing Miriam go ballistic last Thursday, the nuns held an
emergency meeting the following day and voted 22-0 to revert back the
name of their school. Its back to MARYKNOLL!

Miriam Defensor Santiago in different languages:
Vietnamese: Pha Nget Shah
African: Gha Gha
Hindi: Bibi Lihin
Japanese: Poo Tah
Korean: Coo Rap

Erap: Aba, malaking bituin! Dito na yata ang lugar kung saan ipinanganak
si Kristo.
Man: Nagkakamali po kayo.
Erap: Bakit mo naman nasabi iyan?
Man: Eh, kasi CALTEX ho ito!!!


Newsflash: Ayaw na daw ng mga babae na magwitness sa
impeachment trial!
Kasi, ang tawag daw sa kanila ni Cong. Apostol ay "MADAM WETNESS"!!!


Newsflash: Maceda & Enrile are plotting a coup d'etat.
Enrile wants to
be president and Maceda First Lady. And John Osme?a wants to be
First Mistress.


VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES IV
Mga makabagong mura:
- Si Miriam ang ina mo!
- Anak ka ni Miriam!
- Mukhang Erap!

Si Delia Rajas, COOK. Si Atong Ang, CROOK. Si
Miriam,COOCOOROOCOOCOOK!

Dito sa impeachment trial si Erap maaaring tama. Si Chavit maaaring
tama.Si Ocampo maaaring tama. Si Dichavez maaring tama. Pero sigurado si
Miriam, malaki ang tama!

Now showing: "The Good, The Bad and The Ugly"
starring: Loren as the The Good, Nikki as The Bad, Miriam as The
Ugly, with special participation of John Osme?a as Pretty Woman.



VARIOUS PINOY POLITICAL JOKES V

Si Gloria kasalubong si Erap lasing. . .
Erap: Pangit 3X
Gloria: Lasing 3X
Erap: Di bale, bukas di na ako lasing, eh ikaw pag gising mo,
pangit ka pa rin.


The prosecution is now after a joint account of FPJ and Erap,
allegedly under the name FERNANDO JOSE.

Jinggoy: Mommy, tingnan mo si Chavit, ang bobo sa math. Paanong
naging governor 'yan?


Loi: Psst! Huwag kang maingay. . . yung Daddy mo nga naging
Presidente!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
ha,ha, ha, ha,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha,
This is Miriam as she wakes up in the morning.

Interviewer: Miriam, you deviated from the usual career path of
attacking Erap
to defending Erap, isn't that so?

Miriam: Not so. It's from a low paying job to a high paying one.

Q: Why was Apostol cited for contempt of court?
A: Because he kept saying, "Madame Wetness, pleys examine your
Exhibit KiKiKi
ober der . . ."


Chinese name equivalents:

Tessie A - Wan Mee Liun
John O - Ba Deeng Ba Lato
Enrile - Ma Go Lang
Maceda - Gus Tola Laque


Professional Fees:
Mendoza - USD50M
Daza - PHP100M
Narvasa - PHP150M
Flaminiano - PHP50 per objection, kaya panay
ang object.

Modern dictionary:
a. colloquy (kol'ao-kwee) - a formal kahnverseyshen.
b. loquy loquy (lo'kwee lo'kwee) a med kahw dizeez aka miramisis
topakesis


Defense Liars: Cronies:

Mendo SA Dante TAN
Narva SA Lucio TAN

All Equals... SATAN


Sherap Files:
Q: Why did Erap and the LAMP Party choose orange as their uniform?
A: They don't have to buy a new set of uniform when they go to jail.

Prosecutor: Ms. Rajas, totoo bang sweldo mo bilang Cook kina
Atong Ang ay P3,000 a month lang?

Rajas: P5,000 po... kaso iyong P3,000 napupunta po kay Erap.

Si Datu Puti, may suka. Si Rufina at Lorins may patis. Si Miriam
may..TOYO.

Legal terms:
Duces tecum - documentary evidence
Ad testificandum - witness is summoned
Factum probandum - proven fact
Imfacta Sanitarium - Miriam in court

Lucio Tan - 25% Filipino, 75% Chinese
Erap - 30% Filipinol 70% alcohol
Ernie Maceda & John Osme?a - 50% Filipino, 50% Filipina
Miriam D. Santiago - FLIP na!


ERAP AFTER EDSA
Mayroon pa ring ERAP jokes (no offense to erap-supporters...)

1. Erap sending text message to Laarni.
Laarni, mahal wag kang mag alala sa aking kalagayan. Nandito ako
sa
Veterans hospital, magaling mga veterinarians dito, alagang-alaga ako.

2. EDSA 1 : free the nation from a dictator.
EDSA 2 : free the nation from a thief.
EDSA 3 : free lunch, dinner, breakfast and snacks too.

3. PRO-ERAP leader to rallyists at Mendiola.
Leader : Kayo ba ay hinakot???
Masa : Hindi !!!!
Leader : Kayo ba ay pinuwersa???
Masa : Hindi !!!
Leader : Kayo ba ay binayaran ???
Masa : Hindi Pa !!!!


ERAP AFTER EDSA.....

4. Miriam Santiago has been arrested for enciting sedition and she
chose to
be confined at the Mental Hospital. Mas "feel at home" raw siya doon.

5. Erap's conjugal visit schedule.
Monday - Loi
Tuesday - Ghia
Wednesday - Laarni
Thursday - Joy
Friday - Weng
Saturday - John Osmena
Sunday - Ernie Maceda

6. May bagong wrist band si Erap - BAKAL. (Kasi nakakulong sya ngayon)

ERAP AFTER EDSA.....

7. Miriam : Palpak ang Edsa 3 natin!
Erap : Ha!? Bakit? Sabi mo mananalo tayo.
Miriam : I Lied! I lied! Ha - ha - ha!

8. Sumikip raw ang dibdib ni Ernie Maceda while under custody at
dinala siya sa St. Luke's Hospital. Binawalan siya ng doktor na... mag-bra
pansamantala.

9. JV to Erap.
JV : Dad, nasa "State of Rebellion" tayo ngayon!
Erap : Bakit nila pinalitan ang pangalan ng Pilipinas? Ginaya
pa nila sa "State of California".

10. The street where Miriam's house in UP Village has been renamed
after her. The street sign now reads: "Miriam Santiago St." (formerly
"Matino St." - he-he-he)

11. Nang bigyan si Erap ng prison uniform na may tatak na "P", napaiyak
si Erap sa tuwa. Nagpasalamat siya at ang sabi "salamat at 'PANGULO' pa
rin ako!"

12. Erap during his check-up at Veterans' Hospital.
Doc : Ikinalulungkot ko po pero you have BRAIN TU-MOR.
Erap : Pero doc, they say I have NO BRAIN, and now you say I
have TWO MORE? Ang gulo nyo!


Naglalakad sa park si Erap nang bigla siyang nakaramdam na parang may
bumagsak sa balikat niya. Tiningnan niya ito at nagalit. "Lintek na ibon,
iniputan ako."

"Sir, kukuha ako ng toilet paper," sabi ng katabing bodyguard.
"Huwag na! Hindi na natin mapupunasan ang puwet ng mga 'yun. Malayona
ang nalipad nila."


BAKIT DAW
Q: Bakit daw ayaw pabuksan ng 11 senators ang envelope?
A: Kase sa loob, may picture nilang lahat nag-oorgy!

Q: Bakit ayaw daw pabuksan ni Erap ang envelope?
A: Kasi andon daw ang grades niya nung highschool.

Q: Bakit ayaw ni Miriam pabuksan ang envelope?
A: Andon daw kasi ang picture niya, naka-two-piece! (pwe!)

PAYO
Payo daw ni Bro. Mike kay Erap - "Magsisi ka."Ang ginawa ni Erap.
Sinisi niya si Ramos, sinisi niya si Almonte, sinisi niyasi Cory,
sinisi niya si GMA, etc.


Jinggoy--- Itay, dentistry na lang kaya ang kukunin kong Kurso...
Erap------ Anak, ang tagal naman ng Kurso na iyan, kailangan mo pang
kumuha ng Dentist one, Dentist two bago ka mag Dentist three...

Jinggoy---- Itay, 22 na lang pala ang alphabets ngayon?
Erap------- Bakit Anak, ano ang nangyari sa ibang letra?
Jinggoy---- Kasi narinig ko sa radio tatanggalin na ang ROTC


Jinggoy and Erap in a museum. (Jinggoy looking at a mummy)
Jinggoy: Dad, what's the meaning of 1232 B.C.?
Erap: Anak, iyan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa kanya.

Sa Hapon ang ibig sabihin ng DA ay tanga.Ang medyo tanga - HonDA
Ang mas tanga - MazDAAt ang pinakatanga - EstraDA

Meaning of ERAP:
Erap Resign Para Angat ang Pinoy
Erap Resign Awa ka sa Pilipinas
Erap Resign Ala ng kaming Pasensiya
Erap Resign Ayaw namin ng Palpak

When Erap Got Drunk Print this page

AN OLD ERAP STORY

Erap was at a black tie party along with Reli German who
supplied him with a constant flow of Blue Label. All the
gentlemen came in black jackets, white shirts and black
ties and the ladies in black gowns.

Erap thought it was a boring party so he kept drinking his
Blue Label to get him through the night. Then he saw a lady
in a white gown. "Reli, that's the lady I like," Erap said.
"She is a non-conformist and a rebel. I think I will ask her
to dance." "Madam, would you care to dance with the President
of the Republic?" Erap asked.

The lady replied, "No, and I will give you 3 reasons why.
Reason No. 1, I don't know how to dance." "That's a legitimate
reason," Erap remarked.

"Reason No. 2, you are drunk," the lady continued. "That's your
opinion," Erap said.

"Reason No. 3, I am Cardinal Sin."


Why does Erap have "TGIF" written on his shoes?
Toes Go In First.

How can you tell that it is Erap who sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

Why can't Erap dial 911?
He can't find the eleven on the phone!

How can you tell if Erap has been using your computer?
There is liquid paper all over the monitor.


Victories of Loi

She's in the Senate- away from rumors
Erap is in prison - away from women
Jude out of the military - away from boys!

CAUSE
What did Erap do when he heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
He moved.

WHY DID ERAP?

How do you confuse Erap?
Stick him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.

Why did Erap stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.

Why does Erap proud for finishing a puzzle in only six months?
The box said "2 to 4 years!"

Why does Erap always smile during lightning storms?
He thinks his picture is being taken.

WHAT LEADERS SAY ABOUT THE NY TRAGEDY

British Prime Minister Tony Blair:
"We all agreed that this attack was an attack not only
on America, but on the free and democratic world"

Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat:
It is touching our hearts. It is very difficult to
explain my feelings. God help them, God help them.


Iranian President Mohammad Khatami:
"My deep sympathy goes out to the American nation,
particularly those who have suffered from the attacks
and also the families of the victims"

Pope John Paul II:
"The heart of man is an abyss out of which sometimes
emerge plots of unspeakable ferocity capable of
overturning in an instant the tranquil and productive
life of a people"

Former Philippine President Joseph Estrada:
"Antaas taas kasi ng building e kaya tinamaan ng eroplano"


ERAP'S PEN PAL LETTER

Dearest Pal.

Hello! How's life going on there. I hope that you are in
good health upon receiving my letter or may be you got
suspened "coz" you did not expect that you can receive
a letter from me.

But before the world prolong into a line may I ask first
you a gretest apology if ever I disturb you rest and
relaxation expecially that when you are in concentration
of you studying. And at the same time Pal, I greet you
pleasant hello. I hope you can enjoing your life there.
Pal, maybe you ask to yourself there if were came I know
your name. By the pal, I found your name from column of
song hit. And then I decide to make this letter for the
reason that I want also a friend in other places so don't
think any malice here my lettter okey!.

But before I go to further may I introduce first my simple
personality to you. Well....... beginning for the love of
my parent they got a boy and have a name. My name is Joseph
Marcelo Ejercito. Joseph for short. I'm ...ty-four years old now.
My heaight is 5'8" tall and 140 lbs. My birthday is coming
every 19 of April 1937. Fair complexion under the zodiac
sign of Aries . I'm a pure Filipino with little Chinesse blood.

My mother is at home while my father is working as a golddigger..
He's digging golds at the mines. My hobbies is playing ball
games reading komiks books, participating in school activities.,
and of course acting. I also like to listen to folk songs of
Perry Como, Pat Boone, Everly Brothers and the Platters. I hate
listening to instrumental music because they are always defective.
I can't hear the voice of the songer.

As for my school, I think my school likes me a lot. They
don't want me to go after 8 years. They told me others could
get post graduate degrees after college , they said I can do
it here in high school. I only need two more years to complete
my Algebra. My families were so happy for me..my father almost
suffered a heart attack eveytime I showed him my report cards.
Doesn't you think I'm good too?.

My teacher also liked me . whenever she needed something done,
she will called me. Like cleaning the board, scrubbing the floor
and manning the garbage can. I'm also responsible in drawing
conclusion to our laboratory experiments. Last time during our
chemistrty class, when we are mixing different chemicals together
and she wanted me to taste the result. I concluded that the
solution is little bit deadly because I got hospitalized. They
agreed.

At the hospital, the lady doctor said that some of my brain
cells got burned. I totally disagree with him because I know
I didn't set my head on fire nor eat any lighted match. I only
drank an acid solution. She laughed at me and told me I was funny.
I think her name was Dr. Eloisa. She's cute.

I think I finish also introducing my self to you and may be time
is enough already for you to know who I am . Maybe this will be
enough for you to guess myself, from now on you can describe my
self in your imagination.

Anyway Pal, I 'd like you answer me. Maybe you can send also your
personal datas. Please I need you reply!!! I'm sorry for the
handwriting, I have speech impediment eh.

Regards to your family circle and especially to you. Take all
necessary precautions.

Your new friend,
Just call me Erap.


OLDIES BUT GOODIES

Erap: Pareng Ronnie, akyat ka sa puno, pisilin mo bunga kung
hinog na.
FPJ: (umakyat at pinisil ang bunga) Oo pare hinogna.
Erap: sige baba ka na sungkitin natin.

Erap delivering speech at the mental hospital.
Inmates shouting: Mabuhay si ERAP!
PSG seeing one guy not cheering: Bakit di ka sumabay sa kanila?
Guy: Di ako sira ulo. Janitor ako!


KASO

Nag meeting si Erap at ang kanyang 13 abogado.
ERAPnaghihinagpis): Jos ko po!.. bakit ako
pinaparusahan ng ganito? Natalsik na ako't lahat..ayaw
pa nila akong tigilan! What face will I front to my
families?

(TRANSLATION: Anong mukha ang ihaharap ko sa aking mga
pamilya? ) Pati pagkain ko ng isda..kinasuhan pa rin
nila! Mas gusto ko pa nga nang lechon kaysa isdang
dapa.. Pero..bakit pati pagkain ko ng isdang dapa, may
kaso?.. Bakit?? Sumagot kayo!!"

Nagpulong yung mga abogado nang 1 minute and then
lumapit yung lead lawyer kay Erap.

Attorney (pabulong): "Boss, yung kaso ho nyo e"
Plunder...hindi ho Flounder!!"

ERAP(patay mali): "Kasuhan na nila ako ng kasuhan!..
mag be-belo ako ng mag be-belo..Kahit na ilang belo
isusuot ko wag lang akong makulong!.. Kahit wala ako
sa simbahan mag be-belo pa rin ako!
..Matatalo ko pa si Cardinal Sin!..Tingnan natin kung
sino ang mas mautak (lumalabas na yung uhog sa galit
kaya sabay pahid..ginamit yung wristband)!!

Nagpulong uli yung mga abogado nang 1 minute...lapit
uli kay Erap yung lead lawyer.

Attorney (pabulong uli pero medyo asar na) : " Boss,
yung hinihingi ho natin ay B-a-i-l... hindi ho V-e-i-l!!"


ERAP TRANSLATES

LET'S HELP ONE ANOTHER
ERAP: TAYOY MAGTULUNGAN
LET'S STRIVE TOGETHER
ERAP: TAYO'Y MAGSIKAP
BECAUSE IN UNION THERE IS STRENGTH
ERAP: SAPAGKAT SA SIBUYAS MAY TITIGAS


Flash report:

Nalapnos ang kamay ni Erap pagkatapos sa Chowking.
"Pambihira," nasabi na lang ng presidente. "Pinakain ninyo
ako ng noodles, wala kayong tinidor, malaki pa ang
inyong toothpick."

"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap
noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.

Nagpunta si Erap sa England at nag-meet sila ng prime minister.
Habang kumakain, nagtanong ang prime minister.
"Is San Juanico Bridge the longest bridge in the Philippines?"
"Yes," mabilis na sagot ni Erap saka biglang nag-isip
ng maitatanong din. "Ah... Is London Bridge falling down?"


GMA: I'm planning to stop POVERTY & MASS STARVATION.
ERAP: alam mo Gloria, yung poverty madaling pigilin. Pero ang
Masturbation, aba... Human rights violation yan!


ERAP: Doc, I accidentally swallowed a chicken bone.
DR: Is it choking?
ERAP: No, it's Max's
DR: I didn't mean Chowking, I said, "Are you choking?"
ERAP: No I'm serious!


Jose Velarde and Jose Pidal are making a movie together. It
will be called Dumb and Dumber. Sponsored by the Ateneo Alumni
Association.

Scene: nasusunog ang rest house sa Tanay ni Erap!
Guard: sir, dito po ang fire exit.
Erap: gago! diyan na nga dadaan ang apoy eh!!


Similarity of Marcos and Erap:Both have AIDS:
Marcos' AIDS: Acquired Income Deposited in Switzerland
Erap's AIDS: Acquired Income Delivered by Singson.


Satan appeared to Erap.

Satan: I have a proposal. You will finish your term but in return I want your soul.
Erap: Wait, wait, what's the catch?


Erap was exiled to Burma and was making a long distance call. He made a long distance phone call...
Operator: AT&T, How may I help you?
Erap: Heyloow. Ay wud like to long distans da Pilipins, plis.
Operator: Name of the party you're calling?
Erap: Aybegurpardon. Can you repit agen plis?
Operator: What is the name of the person you are calling?
Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu and sori. Da name of my calling is Elpidio Abanquel. Sori and tenkyu.
Operator: Please spell out the name of the person you're calling phonetically.
Erap: Yes, tenkyu. What is foneticali?
Operator: Please spell out the letters comprising the name a letter at a time and citing a word for each letter.
Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Da name of Elpidio Abanquel is Elpidio Abanquel. I will spell his name foneticali, Elpidio: E as in Elpidio, L as in lpidio, p as in pidio, i as in idio, d as in dio, i as in io, and o as in o.
Operator: Sir, can you please use English words.
Erap: Ah, yes, tenkyu. Abanquel: A as in Airport agen, B as in Because, A as in airport agen, N as in enemy, Q as in Cuba, U as in Europe, E as in important, and L as in elephant.

SINO?
Jinggoy takes some law courses to get ready for the senate?
Professor: Jinggoy, who wrote the writ of habeas corpus?
Jinggoy: Aba, hindi ako sir!?
Professor: Let's go see your father.

At Erap's prison:

Professor: Sir, I am the law professor of your son.
I simply asked him who wrote the writ of habeas corpus,
and he answered that he did not write it.
Erap: Alam n'yo, Prof. Itong si Jinggoy, kung minsan palabiro lang.
Pero hindi siya sinungaling. Kaya hindi po siya ang nagsulat ng sinasabi mong writ.

As the professor angrily storms away, FPJ arrives to visit Erap.
Erap: O, pare. Alam mo bang pinagbintangan ng professor na iyan na si Jinggoy
ang nagsulat ng writ ni Mang Corpuz.
FPJ: Kayo naman, e. Para sa kapakanan at kapayapaan ng lahat, dapat
inamin na lang ninyo!

DEVIL'S CALL

During his visit to Malacañang Palace,
Bush was intrigued by a new telephone capable
of connecting with hell. He spoke briefly
with the devil, and the call cost him 27 cents.

When he came back home, he found out that
this same service was now available in the US too.
He tried it again and received a bill for $12,000.
Bush was distressed.

How come?! The same call only cost me 27 cents
in the Philippines

Well, said the operator. Over there it is a local call.


What's For Lunch

Erap, Pedro and Juan eat lunch together everyday. For almost 1 year they
have the same lunch daily. Pedro has adobo, Juan has pinakbet and Erap
tuna sandwich. Today, Juan says "pagod na akong puro pinakbet na lang
araw-araw ang lunch ko, tomorrow pag panakbet pa rin tatalon na lang
ako sa Pasig."
"Ako rin" says Pedro,"pag adobo parin ang ulam ko bukas, mabuting pang
tumalon na lang ako sa Pasig." Not to be outdone Erap said "Mi too, I'm
tired of tuna sandwich everyday if I have this again tomorrow tatalon din ako."
The next day, Pedro opened his lunch box and he found dinuguan and puto.
He was so happy of the change. Next, Juan opened his and found bistik.
"Ay salamat po" says Juan. Erap opened his and showed that he has tuna sandwich.
Looking dejected biglang tayo siya at tumalon sa ilog Pasig. Pedro looks at
Juan at medyo umiling and says "Hindi ko naman maintindihan si pareng Erap, eh
siya ang gumagawa ng lunch niya."

BILIN KI ERAP

Bilin ng mother ni Erap ng bumisita siya:
Anak, di mo na natapos ang pag-aaral mo,
pati pagka presidente mo.
Sana naman makapagtapos ka na ng jail term mo.
Promise, huh?

INFORMATION

Erap: Hello, I will like to inquire how long is the flight to San Francisco?
Operator: Just a minute sir...
Erap: Thank you! (klik).

SHAMPOO

While taking a shower at home and calling for Loi.
Erap : Bakit walang shampoo dito?
Loi : Anong wala, kabibili ko lang kanina ng shampoo, eh.
Erap : Eh, puro For Dry Hair lang ang meron, basa na ang buhok ko!!

THE PRESIDENT'S PUZZLE

Fernando Poe walks into the Office and sees The President whooping
and hollering. "What's the matter, Erap?" Poe inquired.
"Nothing at all." I just finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time," the
ex-President beamed. "How long did it take you?" "Well, the box said '3
to 5 Years but I did it in a month!"

Secretary: Bwisit! Ginamit na naman ni Sir Erap yung computer!
Man: Bakit?
Secretary: Tingnan mo, puno ng liquid paper yung monitor!

Erap sees a ballet performance. He sees four dancers tiptoeing ang twirling.
Erap: Tanga rin ng choreographer no? Bat di nalang matangkad ang kinuha nila?



Erap sa Sarap TV
Erap: Masarap ang lulutuin ko ngayon. Apple pie!
Host: Mr. President, umpisahan na natin. Ano-anu po ba ang ingredients?
Erap: Siyempre, may apple. Kelangan din ng harina, gatas, itlog, asukal, at 2 durog na diatabs.
Host: Ha? Para saan po ang diatabs.
Erap: Baka may sumakit ang tyan. Mahirap nang ma-akusahan ng food poisoining. Wais to!


Jinggoy and Erap in a museum. (Jinggoy looking at a mummy)
Jinggoy: Dad, what's the meaning of 1232 B.C.?
Erap: Anak, iyan ang plate number ng nakabangga sa kanya.



"Use fish and pepper in a sentence," utos ng guro ni Erap noong ito'y estudyante pa lang.
"May I borrow a fish of pepper?" sagot ni Erap.

Sa Hapon ang ibig sabihin ng DA ay tanga. Ang medyo tanga - HonDA
Ang mas tanga - MazDAAt ang pinakatanga - EstraDA


Erap's spiritual adviser is Mike Velarde of El Shaddai.
But he and his sons belong to different religions.
Jinggoy - El Lagay;
Jude - Dioskoday;
Erap - El Puday


Erap looked at the librarian and said:
This is the most boring book I've ever read. It has no plot, yet so many characters.
Librarian: Excuse Sir, that is a telephone directory.


Erap and Loi eating in a restaurant.
Loi: Honey, bakit pati buto kinakain mo?
Erap: Ano'ng problema mo, eh Eat All You Can naman ito!


Q: Ano ang isa pang Chinese name ni Sen. Miriam Santiago?
A: TY LE LENG.


Erap: Bakit itinayo ang rebulto ni Andres Bonifacio sa Monumento?
Cory: Siyempre, para magsilbing alaala sa kanya.
Erap: An'tanga mo talaga.
Cory: Bakit?
Erap: Siyempre, kapag inihiga, eh di makakabuhol-buhol ang trafik.


Q: Kung si Rizal at si Ninoy nasa piso, saan si Erap?
A: Sa t
Post a comment [9 comments]
 
newer post:
Joke Joke Joke!!!!
older post:
pinakamaraming quotes part III

:: comments ::
Note: New comments (since you last visited this post) are marked with
neo21    •reply Jan 10, 2006 @ 4:56 AM
 
Psychotic101    •reply Jan 10, 2006 @ 5:11 AM
 


inde ako nauna! oh well...

talagng mahilig ka kay Erap ha!
boynikko01    •reply Jan 10, 2006 @ 7:46 AM
 
indi naman nakakatawa!!!
  star_riray09    •reply    Jan-10-06@7:55AM
bat ang sungit mo!?
  coke_blitz    •reply    Jan-10-06@10:29AM
  star_riray09    •reply    Jan-10-06@10:15PM
miss you coke is it!


  coke_blitz    •reply    Jan-11-06@8:58AM
cater2u    •reply Jan 10, 2006 @ 10:33 AM
 
yehey
purple_star77    •reply Jan 10, 2006 @ 6:52 PM
 
change all the ERAP's to GLORIA... den it will b fun 2 read!! hahaha!!

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Joke Joke Joke!!!!
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