Not so long ago, I posted an article missing my lola. I was talkng about a grandma who died 13 years ago. The lola who raised me from birth till I was 16...I was missing her so much.
Then last week, my other lola passed away. I spent most of my summer vacation with her...and when I turned 16, I decided to live with her. This lola is an awesome LOLA. She used words like PRANING, TOPAK and HATAW.
She was the kind of LOLA who latags in the sala when my manliligaws came to visit.
Her advises were so funny and straightforward.
Walang problema pag nag nobyo ka, wag mo lang ipapamigay ang pandesal mo.

You know you just laugh and say...
Si nanay nagpapatawa.

She would always tell me, bawasan mo ang kasupladahan mo at yan ang magpapahamak sayo.

When I lived with her... opposite my other LOLA in probinsya where i had to do everything and work for everything I needed. She had money but you dont get it easy. For 5000 pesos, which then was a lot, I had to cook and do laundry plus a never ending sermon. But I do get it my ways. Pasok sa isang tenga labas sa isa. Kahit magsugat sugat ang kamay sa paglalaba. Di bale na. Ne reward naman .

Pero si nanay is different but they both loved me in their own ways. I was stranger to my mom and her to me. But my 2 lola's know me from the back of my hands.

Si nanay won't let me lift a finger. She'd wash even my undergarments. If I stat doing the dishes, she'll say, manood ka na lang ng TV dun. Ibang klaseng lola diba.
She'll make my bed. fix my school bags. make my baon. basta lahat andun na.

Kanina pag gising ko...nag sink in na. Yung dalawang taong nagpalaki sakin, wala na.

Tapos bigla..
isa isa, nagflash back yung memories... mostly happy.

Sa buhay ko, tatlong bagay ang kinatatakutan ko,
isa na dun yung death and how to deal with the loss.

I still mourn my other Lola's death 13 years ago. I still cry. I kid you not sometimes sa gabi pag masama ang loob ko, I cry out and ask her to come and hug me coz I miss her.
I cry and ask bakit hinde niya ako dinadalaw.
I was in the states when she died and wasnt able to come home because I was a pennyless working student. Kaya for so many years I begged her to visit me for one last hug. It took so many years before the hug came in my dreams. But it gave me peace.

Losing someone who's a big part of you is difficult. Your heart is heavy, you cry your heart out, but it doesnt help.

Tomorrow, nanay will be laid to rest.
Since I arrived, every morning, I stood by thecoffin and say my good morning, every so often would go and talk to her as if she's still alive. Say my goodnight before I sleep.
But i know, I wont see her again after tomorrow.

You know you your life goes on, you hear people say, she lived a good life she went peacefully. I should be happy wala na siyang nararadamang sakit. She's in heaven na.

Call me selfish, I dont care...
I'm not happy she's gone.
I know she lived a good life and she went peacefully but I will miss her and I dont want her to go.

I have to let go na daw kasi matanda na si nanay.
Eh I dont want to LET GO eh. I want her! I know I missed a lot of opportunity to be with her. ANd I regret those times I had that I didnt spend with her.

Basta,
it's painful.


Ksses

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